Thought I would say that I enjoy all the time I spend with Annie, Matt & Josi because I just came back from a night where we were all blargh. That I went to the gym for the first time today and it was nice, although I think the next twenty times will be harder and harder and that around that time I will start getting used to it. That I need to work on my ups and downs that feel a tad fragile these days and I am happy these three are around much. Very productive and a different beat from before the summer. Lovely.

That test.

My username is: le_livre_noir . It is based on Carl Jung's self psychanalisissmsmsimisms in which every time he woke up he would write his dreams in his " black book " and draw them in his " red book ". Hence The_Black_Book.

My journal name is: wampum prayers . Tori Amos related and a nod to my 1/8 native american blood. whoteva.

My title is: an image from persona trinity-soul because I love their futuristic computers which are not so futuristic.

My subtitle is: there is none. I think.

My friends page is called: precious things. Another Tori related. Mainly friends related, although friends are not things. It's the precious part that matters.

My default userpic is: some rufus shinra picture that reminds me I have to work on stuff. a character from ff7 that is overtly capitalist to be a bad representation of men with power. I find it quite too pretencious but that's funny.

For the past two weeks I have been hard at work trying to work on a few projects and it has made me simply feel like I've not had the time to write here. This week has been a rather busy week indeed, but when I look back, I've done absolutely nothing productive this week but enjoy time with people. And in that manner I am writing so as to improve my understanding of myself. I will write about feelings I have been feeling lately. Very new, I suppose, and so I have been spending alot of time over analyzing it although not at all. In better hopes of understanding them and dealing with them.

Since last April, there is this thought that has been burgeoning in my mind. It is the thought that this world is not so bad after all. Mind you, although I tend to be very cynical and pragmatic about our lives overall, although less and less, I do not think of this world as " bad " in such a simple way, but in it's construction and unfairness, where everything is fair and then obviously, unfair all at once. Some sort of equivalent exchange, I believe. Nothing truly happens for a reason and all of that stuff. And thus my general feeling of the world we live in being constructed by all of our ancestors this way feels very bad. But with our interests and our creativity and our friends we are able to go through such things without giving much of it a thought. We do not mind. With those friends we love, we know that we are all in this together now and quite frankly, we're enjoying living through such things together and understanding eachother and ourselves in the process. That is what makes a huge part of friendship, I think. That sort of I know that you know and I know that you know that I know type of situation that makes you love the time you spend with your friends.
So back to last april, around someone that is becoming a friend, I have had this general feeling that the world is not a bad place after all. With my antecedants of being wrong about feelings, I dismissed it as fast as I could. It made me do my best to not spend time with a person that would make me feel something I could fall dependant upon. Knowing that they are not feelings or emotions I do not understand and therefore cannot judge and control the flow of, I was afraid that, like past new social types of relationships I would quickly be wrecked by my misunderstanding of myself and screw it and myself up in the process. This whole misconception of life and emotions brought to me by my parents and society had made me to believe I had fallen in love when I had my first feelings of friendship at the age of fourteen or maybe fifteen? After a whole lot of misunderstandings, a whole lot of unhelping or illogical thoughts on the part of others who like me did not understand who we all are, I finally understood general friendship. Because of lack of true words and explanations or most likely, classes for children about all of this, at a few times I believed I was " in love " a few more times since. I am not going to speak of friendships I have had more consistant hours of phone-internet than real life moments with, for I am still wondering what those mean and at the same time cannot bring myself to such. I will also skip short-lived moments that I have payed too much attention to in hopes to understand my curiosity and myself a bit more.
There was Elise, which happened to work as a relationship. My feelings were very similar to those I had with my first friend. A lasting relationship made it get serious and I did not feel well in such a state. Questions and thoughts about " wanting to be with this person " arose and it ended up making our times together truly boring. I probably hurt her quite alot when I left her, I thought, but then she was in a lovely relationship with somebody else a month later and they have been together since. This relationship made the process of understanding friendship much faster to me. After more moments of questioning and not realising different types of friendships, there was the event with Marie-Jade. What is quite funny about this is that right now, I am feeling the same things I have and do feel for her right now than I feel for one or two other people which have become my very best friends. In this I've described the kind of friendship that you just love to go through things together in this world no matter how bleargh it is. Although I'd understood friendship, I believe that I did not ever truly understand active friendship that resulted in myself feeling and knowing that this friendship would never end. This sort of " bestfriend " type of thing. My knowledge that I would never ever stop " being " with this person had ended up making me believe that I was in love.
I am feeling new and different things toward another person, a very interesting friendship is developing. It has not felt bad at all yet. With others, friendships I did not understand and such, I would feel some sort of dependency. My thoughts on them that I've vehiculated in the past with such utmost certainty had brought people and even myself to believe that I just wanted someone to be with and what not, that I was dependant upon others to value myself and life and or that I am in love with love. This I have proven to myself to be false through better understanding of myself. I came up to a point in the wintermost times of this year where I almost completely understood myself, which led me to feel good overall and to start hating less and less things. Very wonderful and productivity has risen.

The point of this post was not to write all this, but what comes next. The moments I have spent with this person have made me believe that the world is a good place after all. It is a very weird thing. They are mixed with feelings of overall warmth and nostalgia and everything just feels right. Tons of emotions and feelings I understand fully in a context that makes it all great. A friend of mine told me that I must be in love. I am, for I am in love with all the people I care for, but I do not want to use such a word that is so broad in such a special situation. I feel absolutely great when I am around her and I don't need to question myself about all of it. I do not have any sort of feeling of wanting things to go in any direction, but I am afraid. Afraid that this doesn't keep on going, maybe? But not in the way I used to be afraid that things do not last. It feels right and I think nothing inside the friendship can make it not last. That is a very wonderful feeling. It's all so weird and lovely that I love taking my time to savour it, no matter how awkward it can feel at times. I enjoy every second, but I feel very insecure about myself because this is all new, so I am very afraid, most likely because how new things have turned out in the past. Quite frankly, I am truly interested in seeing how this all turns out and in spending more of that time where everything is right and true. It's funny how when I am without such moments I do not mind all of the time. It's as if those moments simply transpire in alot of the time I am living without them, as if they are one with me and I am one with them. How cheesy. I don't like how much I am enjoying this, because I want to cherish those moments when I look back at them. I understand them, unlike past stuffs, and it makes me believe in them. I hope they are only the start of a new me and of a wonderful friendship or whatever it is.

~P.R.

but we'll go down fighting.

I have been feeling very busy, very sleepy, but all in all, I spend most of my time doing this.

The Day the Saucers Came by Neil Gaiman

That Day, the saucers landed. Hundreds of them, golden,
Silent, coming down from the sky like great snowflakes,
And the people of Earth stood and
stared as they descended,
Waiting, dry-mouthed, to find out what waited inside for us
And none of us knowing if we would be here tomorrow
But you didn’t notice because

That day, the day the saucers came, by some some coincidence,
Was the day that the graves gave up their dead
And the zombies pushed up through soft earth
or erupted, shambling and dull-eyed, unstoppable,
Came towards us, the living, and we screamed and ran,
But you did not notice this because

On the saucer day, which was zombie day, it was
Ragnarok also, and the television screens showed us
A ship built of dead-men’s nails, a serpent, a wolf,
All bigger than the mind could hold,
and the cameraman could
Not get far enough away, and then the Gods came out
But you did not see them coming because

On the saucer-zombie-battling-gods
day the floodgates broke
And each of us was engulfed by genies and sprites
Offering us wishes and wonders and eternities
And charm and cleverness and true
brave hearts and pots of gold
While giants feefofummed across
the land and killer bees,
But you had no idea of any of this because

That day, the saucer day, the zombie day
The Ragnarok and fairies day,
the day the great winds came
And snows and the cities turned to crystal, the day
All plants died, plastics dissolved, the day the
Computers turned, the screens telling
us we would obey, the day
Angels, drunk and muddled, stumbled from the bars,
And all the bells of London were sounded, the day
Animals spoke to us in Assyrian, the Yeti day,
The fluttering capes and arrival of
the Time Machine day,
You didn’t notice any of this because
you were sitting in your room, not doing anything
not even reading, not really, just
looking at your telephone,
wondering if I was going to call.

-

That is pretty much it. Wonderful hum? I've enjoyed this poem quite alot. Very very me. Sometimes I am jealous of Neil. He writes everything I want to and think about in very mismatched unwritten ways.

~P.R.

We might lose it all

After a hundred pages into Keepers of the Keys to Heaven, my boredom had reached it's limit. I'd just got my hands upon Hayao Miyazaki's Starting Point 1979~1996, which I've begun on the way to work this morning. Anyone interested in animation should be interested in such a book only by the mention of it all. Interviews, Essays and other such things in a compilation that spans the middle years of his life and the beginning of his perpetual success, one must wonder what the man has to say. In what so far seems like logical bits of success, I think this book will be my Art of War, my Bible. I believe it should be so, for anyone who wants to create any work and tends to forget essential and initial thoughts one has had to push them to work. It'll be a book that I believe I will read a couple of times when I am working on projects, untill I am used to my process. I suppose it is necessary for those of us who have been force filled certain types of education that cloud our judgment, our will and our worlds. If I had to give homework to any creative team I work with, I would tell them to read this book religiously while doing so. It is imperative to keep studying while you can and this book seems to tell all. Whilst in non-creative environments of power struggle, Sun Tzu's Art of War does a good job at covering all ground rules for a wonderful environment and whilst Zhuge Liang's Mastering the Art of War simplifies it marvelously, adding important cases such as the human factor to it all, they remain books. It goes against me to say that books should be read as guide lines for life and situations, but the experience amassed by geniuses are needed. Everytime I read books about imaginative minds or people who could be compared to the genius of Hayao Miyazaki, it falls into clichés of anecdotes and tongue-in-cheek for the people in the industry who understand little insides. These books tend to tell you unimportant things only to make you feel special about what you're doing as a part of the wheel. This book, however, tells you how to make a wheel of your own and ride it. While it is what one could call a starter book, it's a very enjoyable read and a good reminder of who you are, you, who creates. You who has ideas.

I've gone on much longer than I was expecting to and it is pretty late. My first intention was to write on composition and music, but alas I've failed to do so. I don't want an entry too charged for anyone to read but myself. See you another day, journal.

~ P.R.

work is quite draining already.

Earlier this morning, around four or five in the morning, I've finished the novel Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman. 't was my first novel by the man and I must say I am quite impressed. I did not expect to love a novel with a casual feel. I'd read a few graphic novels or comics here and there of his and I don't really know why I haven't fallen in love with his work up until now. Because when I think of the past, I really loved his other stories I've read. Pretty weird.

In less than two hours I will be leaving towards my new and temporary work place. I start thursday, but I want to set it all up for tomorrow. A school, again. It seems I am either blessed or doomed by this, but they need someone for a month or more to take care of kids during lunch time. I love kids. I love school. I don't really love it when they can only speak foreign languages that I would love to learn but don't have the time or patience to. It seems to be the case of everyone, which is why I got the job. I will spend four hours away from any productivity to be payed for two and I will, obviously, be given these monetary compensations for cleaning vomit or scolding children in the nicest possible ways because they have either taken bites at my shoes or smashed their heads against one another only to cry endlessly. To that I will add that I will have to suffer seeing children being malnourished and I will most likely end up trying to be able to give them some healthier or enough food to feed them well and I'll face abrupt failure. In the end I will be brought up to an immesureable state of depression about everything in the school system. At least they have heard my request of last May, which asked for the school to provide at least a juice or something to give the poor children energy after school when they have to stay for homework help, which was my last job with them. I'm glad they have heard and listened to me.

I hope that was not too boring of a comeback to livejournal.

I am now reading Keepers of the Keys of Heaven by Roger Collins. A history of the Papacy. It's a huge book I want to eat before I get to alot of romance / fantasy stuff. I'm slowly becoming a fan of fiction, but I have to take it piece by piece. Like a little kitten becoming a fat cat, my masters are slowly mixing in sweet meat between my raw pieces of history books. My reluctancy towards the sweet meat when showed to me directly could be described as fright of change. I am afraid that one day I will be addicted to this sweet meat. But I believe in my raw snacks.

~P.R.

Stressful night ahead.